DELETING
I’m so upset that I can’t just change my URL anymore. This stalking thing is becoming a problem and I really don’t think anyone realizes that I have StatCounter, a website that allows me to track hits from my blog, IP Addresses, PageLoad Activity, Location, etc.
I have used this website as a venting place for 4 years now. Specifically this account. I have had it for so long and I have so many memories, it really hurts me that I have to start over, if I even decide to remake.
I want to explain myself. Maybe the person or persons stalking my blog for information will come across this.
I have always been and always will be as genuine a person I can. I’d rather make you the happiest person and give you everything I can offer than see myself happy. I will always be open and honest and sometimes I blurt things out without meaning to because I always end up bottling everything in, unhealthy, I know. But the reason I keep everything bottled within is because I have no real friends who I can even trust. It started my senior year of high school. (Yes, you’re getting a back-story for the reasons of my actions because apparently it’s necessary.) I had a massive breakdown during the summer of 2012 because I had a very major argument about religion in my household. The summer ended, school was back in session, I was just ready to graduate. I had a wonderful boyfriend at the time named Michael. He was supportive of everything I did and was there for me when I was afraid of being kicked out of my house for not believing in Christianity. I had been stretching my ears and my parents found out just after Halloween. Again, fighting with my parents pursued and I feared getting kicked out again. This fighting was unlike any other fights I had had with my family. Then my boyfriend and I had started drifting. After this emotional toll, I wasn’t emotionally equipped to handle a relationship so him and I went on a break. I found out my best friend at the time had had a crush on him. I wasn’t mad at her, I had actually thought it was cute. I didn’t know how long it would be until we would get back together so I let her pursue him because I figured even though him and I were on break, it was still a breakup and we would probably not get back together. But at the same time, I figured, we were on break and we were still together unofficially and I wasn’t ready to just let him go. My friend was upset with my decision and things got really awkward really fast between my whole friend circle and I. This girl whom I was practically sisters with chose the side of our best friend and then we started to drift inanely fast. this girl and I had basically been bonded at the hip for 9 years and by the time graduation rolled around, we had crumbled and gone our separate ways. This was the first time people who had promised me an eternity of adventure and friendship had left me. And it was excruciatingly hard for me to lose the first friend I had when i moved to Pennsylvania because I had not bonded so closely to a person before. I could physically feel pain in my heart, my nerves, my everything. I fell into a slump. We did everything together and it was over. This was the first time where I had lost all my venting places, and social media was the only place I could open up to. I couldn’t tell my parents how I was feeling without getting lectured, and I had no friends to talk to because they had all left. I couldn’t deal with the burden of all these weights being bottled inside, it caused me physical, mental and emotional pain. A month passed and I was able to use people to fill in these empty voids I had been feeling. After tearing deep into this fabric we all have within, I tried to sew up the feeling of trust. I was so uneasy. And then I ended up getting raped. My guard was down, I was even more of an emotional wreck. I handled the situation a lot more collectively than a lot of other victims because I knew I couldn’t afford not to. I had already been traumatized and numb from a recent loss of people in my life, I couldn’t get any more emotional or numb at that point. if I look at this situation now, I’m pretty sure my parents are more traumatized over my rape than I am. I started college rough, but I made it through my first semester. The second semester started and I started talking to this guy I had briefly met my first semester from ESU. The end of April rolled around and he was suicidal. I tried my best to talk him out of it, i spent the entire night with him as he was tripping on Cordicidin Cough & Cold, the purple box. A couple of boxes of this stuff in his case. We talked about physics, the universe, chemistry by the lake by my house. I helped him when he was stumbling, I tried cleaning him up when he threw up. I knew instantaneously that he clicked with me differently than any other person. i could feel at ease for once, I didn’t have to put up all these barriers I had made to protect myself from being hurt. I bought him McDonalds, he asked me if he could fight a raccoon, we cuddled in his car and listened to music for hours. It was truly a magical feeling to me and I was overwhelmed with joy to finally be in the company of someone who could have intelligent conversations with me, someone who found me attractive and whom I found attractive, someone I felt completely and utterly myself with. This was not the first encounter we had had, though. The summer rolled through and my first semester of ESU started and him and I were basically inseparable. Even though him and I had our differences, I still had faith he was a better person than he appeared to be. There would be times where he would treat me like absolute garbage and I really shouldn’t have let it happen as long as I did, but every time I stood up for myself I was either called a bitch or a cunt or trash talked and I held him very valuable in my eyes so I would forget it and move on. A little over halfway through the semester and all of a sudden he decided to up and walk away.The last words he spoke to me were “No, fuck off” after previously stating to me the day before he was indeed, not mad at me. I knew I was in love with him, fuck hell, call me crazy but I am still in love with him. I have never connected with a person so nicely than I have with him. From what I was told from other parties, I got too close to him and that scared him. I was torn apart at the seams yet again after I had just finally stitched up the seams from this kind of loss in high school. But this one was way worse, because I was not in love the last time I was torn apart. This one cut me deeply, as I was not expecting it.
You’re probably wondering, “But how does this explain her actions?”
The reason I post anything and everything about how I feel is because after having everyone I have ever been close to ripped away, I feel as though I cannot tell anyone anything. I have a slowly growing self-esteem, I want no pity from anyone for how I feel. But I feel as though the only safe place I have is this goddamn website. Whether someone replies or not, someone out there acknowledges how I feel without judgement. I can vent, relax, be free to be my entire self without being called a bitch, or selfish, without harmful comment. if I could feel completely comfortable telling someone how I felt without fear, I would. I wouldn’t have need for this website. I feel empty and numb, like I have no other choice. The internet is the only place where I can freely express my feelings, thoughts, everything without worry. But now, I constantly have to worry. If i could share things with people, I would in a heartbeat. It is truly disheartening to me that other people can express their feelings and thoughts and make statements without getting whiplash from people they know. I really don’t understand why people are more concerned with my thoughts and actions than their own. I am truly hurt by the people I call my “friends.” I don’t have anyone or any place I can turn to, especially now on the internet.
I really don’t understand why this boy I was head over heels in love with keeps making my life miserable in different ways. I have nothing but given everything I could to you. Whether that was food, company, shelter, emotional support, love, intimacy, whatever. My intentions with everyone are gold, I want nothing but to spoil everyone I know if I have a way to do so. I know I don’t have much, materially. But I have so much to offer to anyone and everyone spiritually.
I just want this to be over, to please stop taking everything I love away from me. Anything I have posted about you is not something I would have hid from you or anyone. Again, the open and honest thing. I want a day to go by where I don’t feel like I have to hide my feelings from anyone. I want to be able to express my feelings and thoughts without harsh, derogatory criticism and harm to my mental and emotional health. You can get mad at me for pointless things of the past, the fact of the matter is there is a reason behind every action and if you are too close minded to understand the reasoning behind the action, you need to step back and take another look at the bigger picture.
I am so upset that this last safe haven has been violated. If you want contact information, feel free to message me. After Friday afternoon, EST, I am permanently deleting my account. Thank you to everyone else who’d made this tumblr run a good one, I value each and every one of you.
pastelfairylightnights-blog